Headline of the year:
“US tariffs take aim everywhere, including uninhabited islands.”
Yes, you read that right. The United States—under the artistic direction of Donald J. Trump—is now officially beefing with islands so remote, even Google Maps gets confused.
And guess who’s caught in the splash damage?
The United Kingdom.
Because obviously.
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What Did the UK Do to Deserve This?
Well… breathe, mostly.
Apparently, the UK committed the heinous crime of existing in 2025 while not being “America First™.” Despite our shared language, mutual confusion over healthcare, and our long history of sending reality TV to the U.S. (you're welcome for Love Island), we’re still not immune to the wrath of the Presidential Sharpie.
Trade with the UK?
Tariff.
That ceremonial tea shipment from Yorkshire?
Tariff.
Worcestershire sauce?
Double tariff for being unpronounceable.
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What’s Being Tariffed, Exactly?
Everything from car parts to crisps. Trump has even managed to slap a tax on goods from places no one lives in—presumably to stop rogue seagulls from setting up shell companies on Sandbank Island and shipping duty-free marmalade to Boston.
Because that’s where we’re at, folks.
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How’s the UK Coping?
Not great, thanks.
We were already number 2 in the Global Misery Rankings, and now we’ve got economic beef with our closest ally over trade policies written on the back of a napkin.
British exporters are panicking. Marmite is facing extinction in Arkansas. And don’t even get us started on the tea crisis—one more tariff and it’ll be cheaper to drink petrol.
Meanwhile, the Chancellor is reportedly asking Alexa how to “un-tariff a country without starting World War 3.”
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What About the Uninhabited Islands?
Oh yes. Tariffed.
Trump’s team insists this is “precautionary”—in case they “become socialist in the future.” One anonymous official said, “Just because no one lives there now doesn’t mean we can’t be preemptively offended.”
One of the islands attempted to issue a statement but was interrupted by a flock of puffins.
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Final Thought:
As the UK braces for more economic chaos, and remote islets fear for their coconuts, we are once again reminded that global diplomacy in 2025 is less West Wing and more Looney Tunes with subtitles.
But hey, at least we’re all in this together—us, the rats in Birmingham, and now… a small reef in the Pacific.
Cheers, global trade. You’ve outdone yourself.
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