“MANdatory Survival: A Sarcastic Guide to Being a Man in a World That Thinks You’re Fine Because You Can Open Jars”

“MANdatory Survival: A Sarcastic Guide to Being a Man in a World That Thinks You’re Fine Because You Can Open Jars”

Look, being a man in 2025 is great… if you like being told you’re privileged while silently dying younger, paying more tax, never crying (publicly), and changing the oil and the lightbulbs like some kind of bearded house wizard.

But now, thanks to a cheeky little global study, it turns out men are statistically shafted in 91 countries, including our beloved UK, the US, and Australia. That’s right lads—it’s not just your back that’s carrying things anymore. It’s official. And apparently, science agrees.

Let’s break it down.

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The Global ‘Man Down’ Index

In a shocking twist, researchers have developed something called the BIGI (Basic Index of Gender Inequality)—which sounds like a new indie band but is actually a measure of who’s getting the rougher deal, statistically.

Turns out:

Men get harsher prison sentences for the same crimes

Men are forced into military service more often

Men die more frequently at work (probably because Steve thought he could “just wing it” on the scaffolding again)

Yet still, you’re expected to:

Suppress feelings

Build IKEA wardrobes without crying

And silently accept socks for Christmas as if that’s not emotional violence

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But Wait, There’s Less!

You're also:

Less likely to get custody of your kids

More likely to be homeless

And still somehow responsible for unblocking the toilet, despite having no training in pipe psychology

And God forbid you mention any of this without someone yelling, “What about the patriarchy?!” as if you're its CEO and forgot to issue a Christmas bonus.

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The Gender Equality Plot Twist

This isn’t about men vs women. It’s about the myth that men have it easy by default. Newsflash: the gender pay gap isn’t the only metric in town.

Men are under-supported, under-checked, and massively under-listened to—especially when it comes to mental health, loneliness, or dare we say… just wanting to be seen as a human and not a walking lifting device.

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So What Can We Do?

We can start by:

Laughing, because otherwise we’ll cry and we weren’t programmed for that

Talking, even if it’s awkward and starts with “Mate, so…”

Calling out the double standards when your feelings are invalidated but Sharon gets an emotional support dog for her breakup

Reminding society that equality should feel equal for everyone—not just adjusted for headlines

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To the Modern Man:

If you’ve ever felt alone, unheard, or like your only emotional outlet is yelling at football or fixing something that isn’t broken—you’re not crazy. You’re just a man in 2025.

And you deserve support, not just sarcastic T-shirts that say “Man Up.”

You deserve health checks, not just “Have a pint, you’ll be fine.”

You deserve to be okay, even when you’re not.

So here's to you. The misunderstood, underslept, emotionally repressed warriors of the modern age.

Now go forth, cry in the car, and eat an entire lasagna with no shame. You’ve earned it.