Sick? Tired? Burned Out? Perfect – You’re Just What the UK Economy Needs!
.jpg)
Ah, 2025—the year Britain finally admitted what it’s been hinting at for decades: If you’re unwell, maybe you’re just not trying hard enough. Enter stage left: Liz Kendall, our “Work and Pensions Secretary” but increasingly sounding like the “Back to Work, You Slackers” Secretary.
In her latest masterclass in gaslighting, she’s proposed a bold new approach to reducing unemployment: overhauling the sick note system so fewer people can actually be signed off sick. Revolutionary.
Sick Notes Are So 2024
Yes, that piece of paper from your GP saying, “This human needs a break” might soon be replaced with one that reads:
“Have you tried logging into Indeed instead of taking paracetamol?”
Apparently, far too many people are being “written off” instead of being handed a brochure about forklift driving apprenticeships. GPs will now be trained to refer patients to employment services—because what you really need when you're depressed, riddled with arthritis, or recovering from major surgery… is a career pep talk from a bloke named Clive at the job centre.
Liz Kendall's Logic:
“Good work is really, really good for mental health.”
Right. Because nothing heals the soul faster than a 40-hour week in a poorly ventilated warehouse stacking baked bean tins for minimum wage.
Let’s Not Mention the Cuts... But Also: We’re Definitely Cutting
To make things extra motivating, Liz has also refused to rule out more benefit cuts, after already slashing £5bn from the welfare budget—because what’s better than being sick and exhausted? Being sick, exhausted, and broke.
And for young people under 22, you can now say goodbye to the health element of Universal Credit.
Apparently, youth = immunity from physical suffering. Unless, of course, you’re trying to buy a house. Then you’re instantly classed as financially terminal.
Trailblazing with £18m and One Clipboard
In an effort to help the most affected areas, Kendall proudly announced a “trailblazer programme” in Barnsley (because where else?), armed with £18 million and an army of clipboards.
That’s right—£18 million spread across multiple regions to fix generational poverty and chronic illness. At that rate, you’re looking at roughly £11.74 and a Gregg’s voucher per person.
Closing Thoughts from the Land of the Blitz Spirit and Bad Backs
-
Feeling low? Try LinkedIn.
-
Anxiety crippling you? There’s an app for that. And a work programme.
-
Broken leg? Well, you’ve still got the other one. Off you pop!
This isn’t about helping people thrive. It’s about saving money and hoping the public won’t notice if they rename “support” as “coaching” and call every ailment a mindset issue.
But we see you, Liz. And we’ll be sending you a signed sick note… from the whole country.
Tags:
#SickNoteReform #LizKendallLogic #WelfareCuts #BritishHumour #SarcasmToSurvive #MentalHealthMattersButNotIfItCosts
Comments
Post a Comment