"The Thought Police Called — They’re Running Out of Handcuffs"

"The Thought Police Called — They’re Running Out of Handcuffs"

Welcome to 2025, where saying “Oi, that’s a bit rubbish” online could earn you a visit from the modern-day cyber Inquisition, armed not with pitchforks, but with Wi-Fi sniffers and a spreadsheet full of your Tweets from 2012.

Yes, folks, The Times has revealed that British police are making over 30 arrests a day for “offensive” online comments. That’s right — real, living, tax-funded police officers are on patrol in the wild west of Facebook, X (formerly Twitter, formerly known for free speech), and the ever-sinister realm of WhatsApp family groups.

Gone are the days of bobbies chasing actual burglars. Why waste energy on that when Aunt Maureen’s slightly spicy meme about cats could be a breach of Section 127 of the Communications Act 2003? Heaven forbid she causes anyone “annoyance,” “inconvenience,” or gasp “anxiety.”

Meanwhile, in the real world:

Knife crime continues to be a fun street sport.

Burglars are greeted with a cup of tea and a delayed response time.

And Parliament still hasn’t figured out how to fix potholes or the NHS queue that now stretches into 2027.

But sure, let's absolutely prioritise the fight against digital snark.

Imagine the arrest scenarios:

Officer: “We’re taking you in for calling someone a muppet on TikTok.”

You: “But it was autocorrect!”

Officer: “Tell it to the judge — and bring your phone history.”

Civil liberties groups are understandably worried. So are meme pages, middle-aged ranters, and that one uncle who’s been banned from Facebook three times this week alone. It’s a new era of “non-crime hate incidents” — because even if it’s not technically a crime, the vibes were off.

And don’t forget the poor AI moderation bots who now need therapy after reading all the “grossly offensive” comments. Even Siri’s considering a sabbatical.

So, fellow keyboard warriors, before you dare send that sarcastic GIF or call someone a “plonker” online, remember: Big Brother isn’t just watching — he’s screen recording.

Coming next week:

“How to Write a Passive-Aggressive Comment Without Getting Arrested: A Survival Guide for Brits Online.”