Swaffham’s Duck Crisis: Democracy Derailed by Webbed Feetby Ian Croasdell – Defender of Ducks, Enemy of Nonsense, Lover of Feathered Chaos

Swaffham’s Duck Crisis: Democracy Derailed by Webbed Feet

by Ian Croasdell – Defender of Ducks, Enemy of Nonsense, Lover of Feathered Chaos

Well, it finally happened. The town of Swaffham – population: 8,000 humans, 400 ducks, and apparently zero chill – has officially shot down a plan to erect a glorious 5ft duck statue.

Yes, dear reader. This wasn’t just a duck statue. It was to be a shining, beaked symbol of hope, unity, and mild avian chaos. But alas, in a move that can only be described as a crime against whimsy, the councillors quacked up and voted it down. By one vote. One!

For five years, this town has been at war with ducks. Ducks! The absolute nerve of these feathered freeloaders—hanging out in public pools, waddling without permits, and worst of all... pooping. How dare they treat the great British pavement like a lavatory!

So what did the council do? They tried everything: bribery (floating duck island), hit squads (a cleaner with a mop), and even whispered about a cull. That's right. At one point, someone sat in a meeting, sipped their tea, and calmly proposed turning the town into a scene from The Godfeather.

But fast forward to 2025, and finally – finally! – someone came up with a peaceful solution: a duck statue. A fun, cheeky sculpture trail called “Swaffham Goes Quackers”. It would’ve boosted tourism, made kids smile, and given locals something to talk about other than the price of fish fingers.

Instead? Rejection.

Deputy mayor Lindsay Beech saw the light. “We have got the ducks, they are a unique selling point,” she bravely declared. But then came Councillor Buzzkill himself, Graham Edwards, who basically said, “Forget it – this is an embarrassment,” like he was shutting down a teenager’s garage band.

Look, I don’t want to say this town has lost its soul... but when you’d rather honour a wicker man than a duck, something has gone fowl.

Councillor Jill Skinner reminded everyone, “We used to be a council that was against ducks and in favour of killing them.” A statement that truly belongs on a postcard or maybe engraved in the town square. Welcome to Swaffham – historically anti-duck since forever.

One councillor even raised concerns about vandalism. As if a 5ft duck statue is somehow more likely to be attacked than, say, basic human joy.

And let’s not ignore the £2,000 grant the town got for the project. That’s public money, folks. They could’ve had a duck. A real, beautiful duck monument. But instead? Nada. Just angry pensioners and one very smug flock.

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Final thought:

Swaffham, you had one job. You could’ve leaned in, embraced the quackery, and become the duck capital of Norfolk. Instead, you chose to be... normal. And now the ducks shall waddle on, statue-less, but dignified.

And me? I’ll always be on their side.

Long live the ducks.

Long live chaos.

And someone get me a petition to build that statue in my garden.