"The Bank of England’s Great Interest Rate Hokey Cokey: In-Out, Shake It All About!"
Welcome to another riveting episode of Britain Tries to Pretend Everything's Fine, starring our nation’s favourite troupe of economic contortionists—the Bank of England!
This week’s plot twist? Apparently, interest rate cuts were never on a “pre-set path.” Translation: we had a plan… until we didn’t. Like a drunk satnav yelling “recalculating” every five minutes, the Bank is now swerving all over Monetary Avenue like it’s on a Boris Bike with one flat tyre.
Back in January, the message was clear: “We’ll cut interest rates. Steady. Predictable. Like tea at 4pm.” Now? “We might cut. We might not. Ask us in May. Or August. Or… whenever inflation stops being rude.”
You see, inflation was supposed to fall nicely, like a well-behaved cucumber sandwich. But instead, it’s back in the pub, downing shots with its mates “Sticky Wages” and “Tariff Tantrum.” Because nothing says economic stability like a potential global trade war stirred up by Trump 2.0 and his tariff cannon aimed at Europe, China, and probably your nan’s knitting club.
The Bank’s official statement says they need “flexibility.” Of course they do. Because when the cost of crumpets goes up 20% overnight, what you really need is flexibility to not lower interest rates and tell everyone it’s fine.
And don’t get me started on inflation expectations. Apparently, if people think prices will rise, they’ll spend more, which then makes prices rise… which sounds less like economics and more like witchcraft. Next we’ll be sacrificing avocados under the full moon to please the MPC gods.
In the meantime, money markets are nervously watching like disappointed parents at a school play—“Oh look, there goes the quarterly rate cut… again.”
But fear not, dear citizens. The Bank assures us they are not “on a pre-set path.” Much like a confused squirrel crossing the M4, they’re just hoping not to get flattened by reality.
So buckle up, Britain. The only thing more volatile than your mortgage payments right now is the BoE’s group chat.
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