NASA’s New AI Toy: Because Spying on Aliens Just Wasn’t Enough

on

NASA’s New AI Toy: Because Spying on Aliens Just Wasn’t Enough

Well, well, well. Just when you thought NASA was too busy planning Mars missions, testing fancy rockets, and figuring out how to keep astronauts from going full 2001: A Space Odyssey, they’ve decided to dabble in… AI surveillance?

Yes, folks, NASA—the agency known for launching space telescopes, not peeping through your digital keyhole—has gone ahead and purchased a one-year license for Clearview AI. If you haven’t heard of Clearview, it’s basically the James Bond villain of facial recognition software, a company that scrapes billions of photos from social media without asking, all in the noble pursuit of turning the world into an episode of Black Mirror.

Wait, NASA is doing what now?

According to documents obtained by 404 Media, NASA’s Office of Inspector General (OIG) bought a license for Clearview AI, the same tech that has:

  • Helped law enforcement misidentify innocent people and throw them in jail.
  • Had its entire client list hacked and leaked to the public (because what’s more reassuring than a company that specializes in surveillance but can’t even secure its own files?).
  • Been banned in multiple countries for, you know, trampling on privacy laws like a rogue elephant.

So why, exactly, does NASA—the people who sent a car to Mars—need facial recognition software better suited for a bad sci-fi movie?

Is NASA hunting space criminals?

Let’s explore the possibilities:

  1. Protecting their top-secret moon cheese reserves
    Maybe NASA has finally found proof that the Moon is made of cheese, and they need top-tier security to prevent Elon Musk from stealing it.

  2. Astronauts behaving badly?
    There was once a program to monitor astronaut behavior (translation: make sure they don’t Hulk-smash a space station out of frustration). Could this be a revival? Imagine getting facial recognition alerts from the ISS—
    "Warning: Astronaut Steve is side-eyeing the control panel aggressively. Possible space mutiny detected."

  3. Keeping their rocket scientists in check
    Let’s face it, if you work at NASA, you're probably one lab accident away from becoming a supervillain. Maybe they just want to make sure nobody's building a DIY Iron Man suit in the break room.

  4. A new intergalactic immigration program
    Picture this: Aliens land on Earth, NASA whips out Clearview AI, and—oops—turns out our interstellar visitors look suspiciously like Jeff Bezos. “Sir, you are 98% match for a Prime suspect.”

  5. The next phase of UFO investigations
    NASA recently admitted they’re looking into UFOs (sorry, UAPs—because "UFO" sounds too crazy, apparently). What if they’re using Clearview to finally ID that one alien who keeps photobombing government satellites?

NASA’s totally convincing explanation

When asked why they needed this software, NASA gave a response so vague it might as well have been written by an AI trying to pass a Turing test:

"Clearview AI is the only technology platform available in the U.S. that offers its unique combination of web crawling and facial recognition capabilities while being in full compliance with data privacy laws."

Translation: We don’t know what we’re doing either, but we’re pretty sure this makes us look high-tech and important.

The (very obvious) privacy nightmare

If history has taught us anything, it’s that giving powerful surveillance tools to large organizations always ends well. Oh wait, no it doesn’t.

  • Clearview AI already got hacked once.
  • Its “accuracy” is, uh… let’s just say "questionable" (unless you consider "sending innocent people to jail" a success metric).
  • And now it’s being run by a GOP megadonor and a guy from the Manhattan Institute, so that’s definitely going to be unbiased and ethical.

Final thoughts: NASA, please stick to space

Look, NASA, we love you. You gave us the Moon landing, Hubble, and that insanely cool footage of the Perseverance rover landing on Mars. But maybe—just maybe—you should leave the big brother stuff to people who actually want to be dystopian overlords (cough Facebook, Google, and governments everywhere).

In the meantime, if you suddenly get a NASA-sponsored friend request from an account with no profile picture, maybe don’t accept it. You never know—Clearview AI might already be watching.

Comments

Post a Comment