Tales from the Trenches: A Handyman’s Guide to the Real Rental MarketBy Ian Croasdell – Handyman Plus Van

Tales from the Trenches: A Handyman’s Guide to the Real Rental Market

By Ian Croasdell – Handyman Plus Van

Ah, the rental market—a beautiful symphony of landlords, tenants, and me, the humble handyman, swooping in to clean up the carnage. In a world where tenants now have an online platform to lodge their complaints, I propose a counterbalance: an app where landlords can upload their own horror stories. You know, just so we can keep things fair.

You see, while some landlords are about as compassionate as a parking warden on a power trip, some tenants treat rental properties like they’re starring in an episode of Extreme Home Destruction. Here’s a sneak peek into my glamorous life as the guy who gets called to fix it all.

1. The Mysterious Art of Fist-Shaped Holes in Walls

Ever walked into a property and thought, Ah yes, this tenant must have been an aspiring boxer!? I have. Many times. Nothing quite says "I had a disagreement with my WiFi speed" like a collection of drywall craters, each one suspiciously the size of a clenched fist. I often wonder if some tenants get their deposit back in the form of free anger management therapy.

2. The Hair Abyss of Doom

Bathroom sinks—once a pristine source of water, now a clogged swamp of horror. If I had a pound for every time I had to remove a drain's worth of hair thicker than a conspiracy theorist’s tinfoil hat, I could afford to live in one of these rentals myself. It’s almost impressive how tenants manage to shed enough hair to knit a winter scarf yet still have a full head.

3. The "Unfixable" Toilet Dilemma

Some people seem to believe their toilet requires an exorcist rather than a good dose of bleach. "The toilet’s broken," they say. "It’s unusable!" they insist. I arrive, equipped for a full plumbing surgery, only to discover the issue is, in fact, a slight discoloration. A squirt of bleach and a flush later, I stand victorious, £50 richer, and slightly more disillusioned with humanity.

4. The "Indoor Paddling Pool" That Wasn’t

Some tenants call about water damage as though Poseidon himself has declared war on their kitchen ceiling. I arrive, expecting to find an actual flood. Instead, I’m greeted by a suspiciously dry patch of discoloration. "That’s been like that since before the Romans left," I think to myself. But, hey, another job well done.

5. The "Strangely Missing Appliances" Phenomenon

One of my personal favourites is the magical disappearing act performed by kitchen appliances. "The oven doesn’t work," they say. "The washing machine is broken!" they lament. I turn up, only to discover the real problem is that the appliance is gone. Mysteriously vanished. Probably walked itself out the door one day, tired of the neglect.

Where's the Balance?

Look, I get it. There are bad landlords out there—ones who wouldn’t fix a leaky tap if their life depended on it. But let’s not pretend that all tenants are innocent angels with spotless track records. Some treat their rental like a crash pad for a demolition derby.

So where’s the app for landlords? The one that tracks "Brad the Tenant" who hasn’t paid rent in three months but somehow always has money for a fresh tattoo? The one that keeps records of tenants who believe walls are for "artistic expression" via permanent marker murals?

This is exactly why I only work with good landlords—the ones who care about their properties and their tenants. That’s also why I take PayPal—because bad tenants have usually had theirs frozen by now.

At the end of the day, we all just want fair play. A bad tenant is just as much of a liability as a bad landlord, and I, dear reader, am simply the middleman cleaning up the mess.