Title: “Sorry Officer, We’ll Handle This One Ourselves – A Very British Car Theft Tale”

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Title: “Sorry Officer, We’ll Handle This One Ourselves – A Very British Car Theft Tale”

Welcome to Britain, 2025. The land of scones, rain, and DIY policing. Because let’s face it—when your Jaguar gets stolen in West London, who you gonna call?

Apparently… yourself.

Meet Mia Forbes Pirie and her husband, Mark Simpson. She’s a mediator (ironic), he’s a barrister (also ironic), and together they make up the new Dream Team of community crimefighting—or at least, of “mildly annoyed but politely resourceful upper-middle-class car recovery.”

Their shiny Jaguar E-Pace—complete with a ghost immobiliser and a shiny Apple AirTag—was stolen by someone who must have thought: “I’ll just nick the posh one on the street with a PIN-coded anti-theft system, what could go wrong?” Answer: A lot. Especially when you mess with a couple who probably schedule their revenge in Google Calendar.

The AirTag pinged in Chiswick. Police said they’d send a patrol “shortly” (translation: before the sun dies), but Mia and Mark, fuelled by caffeine and righteous rage, decided to go all Jason Bourne in Fulham.

Nine minutes later—boom. There’s the Jag. Gutted inside like a bad takeaway, carpets ripped out, thieves having clearly failed their GCSEs in Hotwiring 101. And what did our heroes do? Call the cops? Wait in a safe spot?

Nope. They just stole it back.
And I quote Mia: “It was kind of fun stealing back our own car.”
That, dear reader, is the kind of passive-aggressive British rebellion we adore.

The Real Crime? Underfunded Policing

Now, in fairness to the Met, they were “nice and polite.” Which is great, because we all know being mugged is much less traumatic if the attending officer offers you tea and a biscuit three hours later.

But seriously—this isn’t on them. This is the fallout from a police force that’s been financially gutted like, well… Mia’s Jaguar.

Almost four out of five car thefts go unsolved in England and Wales.
Only 2.8% of cases result in charges.
And in London? It’s a full-blown magic act. 90% of car thefts just… disappear. Like your council tax money.

How to Not Lose Your Car (Or Your Sanity)

  • Double-check your car is locked. Yes, even after the beep-beep.
  • Use a Faraday pouch or a key fob box. If it’s good enough for MI5, it’s good enough for your Ford Fiesta.
  • Install a tracker. Not because the police will find it, but so you can play Grand Theft Auto: Real Life Edition yourself.

Final Thoughts: Vigilantism With a Cup of Tea

Let’s not glamorise DIY justice too much—things could’ve gone pear-shaped. But the fact that “stealing back your own car” is the new normal should tell you everything about where we are as a nation.

We're officially in an era where LinkedIn crime-fighting is a thing.

So next time your car gets nicked, don’t wait for the Met. Just grab your partner, your phone, and your AirTag—and remember: in 2025 Britain, justice is not blind… it’s just on lunch break.


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