I Don’t Even Like Cheese,” Says Champion of Britain’s Most Unhinged SportSubtitle: Forget Wimbledon or Wembley—real legends chase dairy down a death hill.

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Title: “I Don’t Even Like Cheese,” Says Champion of Britain’s Most Unhinged Sport

Subtitle: Forget Wimbledon or Wembley—real legends chase dairy down a death hill.

In a stunning plot twist that has left cheddar lovers clutching their bries, this year’s winner of Gloucestershire’s infamous cheese-rolling competition has confessed:

“I don’t even like cheese.”

Yes. That’s right. She risked spinal alignment, grass-burn, and full-body whiplash to launch herself down a cliffside in pursuit of a 9lb wheel of Double Gloucester—and she doesn’t even want to eat the prize. Somewhere, a cheesemonger just fainted into their fondue.

What Is Cheese Rolling, You Ask?

Welcome to Cooper’s Hill, the UK’s annual tribute to madness, adrenaline, and dairy-based Darwinism.

Here’s the rulebook (and I’m using that term generously):

  • Step 1: A giant cheese wheel is chucked down a 200-yard near-vertical hill.
  • Step 2: Dozens of people sprint/tumble/somersault after it.
  • Step 3: First one to the bottom alive-ish wins the cheese.
  • Step 4: NHS quietly prepares for ankle casualties and dislocated egos.

The wheel itself? A hefty slab of Double Gloucester, capable of hitting speeds up to 70 mph—because apparently, British cheese is also training for Formula 1.

This Year’s Champion: Cheese Agnostic

Our winner, a young woman whose identity should forever be etched on a Stilton plaque somewhere, made headlines for her daring descent—and even more for her dairy betrayal.

“I don’t even like cheese,” she said, casually shattering the spirit of generations of lactose-loving patriots.

But maybe, just maybe, that’s what gave her the edge. She wasn’t distracted by dreams of cheese toasties. She had nothing to lose but cartilage.

A Brief History of Madness:

  • The tradition dates back to the 1800s. Because if there’s one thing British history teaches us, it’s this: “If it’s round and edible, someone will throw it off a cliff.”
  • Injuries? Plenty.
  • Sanctioned by authorities? Absolutely not. Local councils have tried to stop it for years, and every time the people say: “No thanks, we prefer bruises with our brie.”

So, What Do You Win?

  • Eternal glory.
  • Some highly concerning bruises.
  • A cheese wheel you might not even eat.
  • A trip to A&E and possibly a podcast interview titled “How I Faceplanted My Way to Victory.”

Conclusion:

Britain is a country that:

  • Can’t pass immigration legislation,
  • Struggles to keep politicians upright,
  • And yet somehow pulls off an event where people dive down a hill for a dairy product like it’s the Olympic final.

This isn’t just sport. It’s culture. It’s identity. It’s chaos wrapped in wax paper.

So cheers to the winner who doesn’t even like cheese. You remind us all that sometimes greatness comes not from passion… but from blindly running downhill like you’ve just heard “last call” at the pub.


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