The Great Swindon Soaking – Water Guns, Pensioners, and the Decline of CivilizationBy Ian Croasdell – Defender of Dignity, Lover of Ducks, and Unofficial Spokesman for Soaked Shoppers Everywhere

The Great Swindon Soaking – Water Guns, Pensioners, and the Decline of Civilization

By Ian Croasdell – Defender of Dignity, Lover of Ducks, and Unofficial Spokesman for Soaked Shoppers Everywhere

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Ah yes, Swindon. A town once known for roundabouts, Greggs, and low expectations... now in the headlines for a new kind of local crimewave: Pensioners getting blasted with water pistols in broad daylight.

If you’d told me this a week ago, I’d have assumed you were describing a lost scene from a dodgy British sitcom. But no, this is very real. According to reports, multiple shoppers have witnessed anti-social teens unleashing super soaker carnage on the elderly and unsuspecting market traders. One shopper was left soaked and scandalised. You can't make this up.

What kind of dystopia are we living in?

Is this Swindon or the set of Mad Max: Retirement Home Edition? What’s next – bingo hall turf wars? OAPs forming tactical knitting brigades for counterattacks?

Let me just say, if you’re going to launch a rebellion, at least wait until after pensioners have secured their reduced-to-clear shortbread. This is Britain, not The Hunger Games: Lidl Edition.

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A New Olympic Event: High-Speed Mobility Scooter Dodging

Can we all take a moment to imagine a lovely elderly gent, 87 years young, slowly browsing for jam, only to be ambushed by a hyperactive teenager armed with a £1.99 neon water cannon?

Forget retirement. You need reflexes like Jason Bourne just to make it down the high street without getting hosed down like a riot suspect.

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Where are the parents? Where is the hose ban?

Call me old-fashioned, but when I was a kid, we were scared of getting caught doing something stupid. Nowadays, it's filmed in HD, uploaded to TikTok, and the caption is something like:

"Yeeted Nan With Liquid Drip – #H2Old"

And before anyone starts defending it as “just harmless fun” – tell that to someone with a fresh perm and a wet cardigan. This is the UK. We don’t do spontaneous dampness.

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Swindon – The Wild West, but Wetter

Water guns today. What next? Drive-by custard pies? Glitter grenades in the car park? Swindon is turning into a Looney Tunes episode directed by Quentin Tarantino.

I propose a solution: issue every pensioner with a tactical umbrella and an emergency flask of hot tea. You come at Margaret with a water pistol, she claps back with a scalding Tetley and a disapproving stare that’ll haunt your dreams.

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Final Thoughts:

Swindon’s crimewave doesn’t require armed response units – it needs common sense, better parenting, and a town-wide reminder that the over-70s deserve respect, not water-based warfare.

And to whoever thought spraying Doris at the fruit stall was a good laugh – just wait until your WiFi cuts out. Then you’ll know true pain.