The Great British Sit-Down: Is It Time We Took a Proper Squat?

The Great British Sit-Down: Is It Time We Took a Proper Squat?

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Ah, the noble British throne — no, not the one King Charles polishes — the one in your bathroom. For generations, we’ve proudly perched upon porcelain pedestals, knees daintily angled at 90°, loo roll within reach, sipping tea (if you’re posh) or scrolling memes (if you’re honest).

But what if I told you that our beloved bog might be doing our bowels dirty?

Let’s Talk Positions (No, Not Those Ones)

There are two kinds of people in this world:

1. The sitters — that’s us Brits, stuck on the toilet like it’s a conference chair.

2. The squatters — found across large swathes of Asia, Africa, the Middle East, and anyone lucky enough to have avoided Victorian plumbing influence.

The difference? Well, one leads to bowel bliss, and the other... to grunting, bloating, and probably haemorrhoids.

The Science Bit (Brace Yourself)

When you squat — and we mean properly squat, heels down, knees up like you're about to deliver a baby on a hiking trail — your colon aligns like the checkout conveyor belt of digestion. Things just flow. No pushing, no praying, no leaving the toilet 12 minutes older than you arrived.

Sitting? That’s like trying to squeeze toothpaste out with the cap still half on. You’re kinking the pipe, mate.

But the British Loo is Sacred!

Yes, yes, it’s where we read newspapers, hide from toddlers, and scroll Instagram until our legs go numb. But let’s face it — we're sacrificing biomechanics for butt comfort. And all we’ve got to show for it is a rising dependency on fibre supplements and “I haven't been in two days” group chats.

Around the World in 80 Squats

In Japan, they’ve got robot toilets with heated seats, white noise, and bidet jets that aim better than MI6. Yet many homes still have squat toilets because — shock — they work.

In India, it’s all about squatting and washing, and let me tell you: a jet spray on your bits beats recycled paper every time.

In France, they’ll judge you no matter what you do, so good luck there.

So... Are the English Ready for a Healthier Poop?

Probably not. We still act like black pepper is a risky spice. But slowly, there’s a quiet revolution brewing in the bathroom tiles.

Enter: The Luxury Squat Toilet.

Sleek, marble-clad, gold-trimmed, and ergonomically designed to give your colon the red carpet treatment. It’s not just a toilet — it’s a wellness experience. Gwyneth Paltrow would cry.

We’re not saying rip out your toilet and build a hole in the floor overnight. But maybe — just maybe — we start questioning whether sitting down to strain ourselves senseless is really the peak of civilised living.

Closing Thoughts (From the Loo):

It’s time to squat like your gut health depends on it — because, quite literally, it does. Let’s ditch the ‘sit and suffer’ mindset. Be bold. Be brave. Be British — but squattier.