BREAKING NEWS (but also, somehow, not surprising):
The UK has officially been ranked the second-most miserable country in the world. That’s right, folks—after centuries of colonizing half the planet, inventing rain, and making tea a national religion, Britain has finally made the podium… in the international Sadness Games.
And no, this isn’t satire (but it is now).
Top 10 Most Miserable Countries (Unofficial and Entirely Biased Ranking):
1. France – For inventing existentialism and complaining artistically. Plus, their national hobby is striking.
2. United Kingdom – Rain, rising bills, soggy chips, and a deep emotional bond with queuing.
3. Germany – Efficiently miserable. Even their happiness is scheduled.
4. USA – Constantly fighting between choosing healthcare or groceries. Also, Florida.
5. North Korea – Misery with a mandatory smile. Enough said.
6. Australia – Pretends to be happy but secretly crying inside from heat, spiders, and British ancestry.
7. Japan – Polite depression. Work, sleep, anime, repeat.
8. Italy – Too beautiful to be this grumpy, but somehow still managing.
9. Argentina – Tango and turmoil. Beautiful sadness set to music.
10. Canada – Miserable? No. But they apologize so much, it’s hard to tell.
UK Highlights: Why We're Almost Number One
Weather: Our national climate is "damp regret."
Trains: Pay £87 to be late, cold, and judged for breathing too loudly.
Politics: A rotating cast of chaos. Left, right, center—no one knows what’s going on, including them.
Public Mood: That weird blend of passive-aggressive politeness and deep-seated nihilism. “How are you?” — “Mustn’t grumble” (translation: everything is on fire).
Food: We turned “beans on toast” into an actual meal and dared to call it culture.
Who’s to Blame?
Hard to say. Maybe it's the economy, or the weather, or the fact that we say “sorry” to inanimate objects. But let’s be honest, the misery is sort of our thing now. We’ve embraced it. Leaned into it. Made it part of our brand. We even write tweets about being miserable while it's raining—iconic.
Final Thoughts
Congratulations, UK. You’ve nearly peaked at being depressed. But hey, there’s always next year. Maybe with a few more potholes, another energy price hike, and a new prime minister named “Gregg from HR,” we can finally take gold.
And when we do?
We’ll probably just shrug and say,
> “Well, could be worse. At least we’re not France.”
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