Tax and the City – Rachel Reeves’ Magical Mystery Tour of Car Tax MadnessBy Ian Croasdell – Ex-RAF, Van Man, and Occasional CO2 Emission

Tax and the City – Rachel Reeves’ Magical Mystery Tour of Car Tax Madness

By Ian Croasdell – Ex-RAF, Van Man, and Occasional CO2 Emission

So it turns out Rachel Reeves has been busy behind the scenes, not fighting dragons or fixing potholes – no, she's been rolling out car tax hikes like they're going out of fashion. Because apparently, what the people really needed right now (amid a cost-of-living crisis, housing crunch, and the slow, flaming death of our NHS) was more tax on cars. Bravo, Rachel. You've really captured the public mood.

What's the damage, then?

Let’s start with the main course: up to £5,490 in first-year Vehicle Excise Duty if you dare to emit over 255g/km of CO2. That’s right. If your car so much as farts a bit too loudly, expect a bill that looks like you just bought a small yacht.

But don’t worry, if you're driving a zero-emissions car – say, a unicorn-powered hover-wagon – you only pay a tenner. Until next year, when it’ll probably cost your soul and a kidney to recharge it.

Women and baby boomers, congratulations – you’ve won a prize!

According to the data wizards, women are about to cough up £62.8 million more in VED than last year. Apparently because they like petrol cars. Meanwhile, baby boomers will be handing over an extra £40.5 million – presumably between bingo nights and writing angry letters to the Daily Mail.

So much for equality. Reeves has basically looked at Britain and said, “You know who’s having too much fun? Retired nans and middle-aged ladies. Let’s sort that.”

Electric cars? Still not safe.

Thinking of saving the planet by buying a plug-in hybrid? Cute. Here’s your £110 tax bill. You want diesel? That’ll be £130, sunshine. Because logic.

Cars over £40K? You elitist swine.

If you were reckless enough to buy a car that costs more than £40,000, Rachel’s coming for you too – with a £425-a-year “Expensive Car” fine. Because if there’s one thing Labour hates more than the Tories, it’s the idea that someone might be doing too well.

Even my van’s not safe

Light goods vehicles under 3.5 tonnes? That’ll be £345 a year now. Which means me, the handyman, will be paying more for my eco-friendly toolbox on wheels than some city banker’s silent Tesla.

Solutions from the experts: "Just buy a low-emissions car"

Oh sure, Tom Banks from Go.Compare. Let me just sell my old van for a fiver and pick up a shiny low-emissions spaceship. I’m sure there's one going cheap on Facebook Marketplace between the broken lawnmowers and haunted dolls.

And if you’re broke? Just drive more economically.

You hear that, Britain? Shift into neutral on every hill. Coast your way to Sainsbury’s. Close your eyes and manifest lower emissions.

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Final thought:

It’s official. You can’t drive, breathe, or blink in this country without being taxed for it. Next they’ll charge us per honk. Rachel Reeves might’ve saved the Treasury a few quid, but she’s just fired the starting gun on Britain’s passive-aggressive motoring rebellion.

So buckle up. Turn off the heater. And if you see a baby boomer crying at a petrol station – give them a hug. They probably just saw their VED bill.