Just Stop Oil... Or At Least Stop With the Glue
In today’s episode of “How to Disrupt a Nation in 10 Steps or Less,” nine brave souls from Just Stop Oil decided that the best way to save the planet was to superglue themselves to one of the busiest airports in the world. Heathrow. Because nothing says “eco-warrior” like risking 260,000 people's holiday plans to protest... aviation fuel.
Armed with angle grinders, high-vis jackets, and presumably a few cans of Pritt Stick on steroids, this eco-Avengers crew was ready to sacrifice everything – especially your Gran’s long-awaited trip to Marbella – in the name of Mother Earth.
Their master plan? Cut through the perimeter fence of Heathrow, jog across the runway (hopefully avoiding a few Boeing 777s on the way), and glue themselves directly to the tarmac like well-meaning but very confused barnacles. Genius.
Sadly (or thankfully, depending on whether you had a connecting flight that day), their plans were foiled faster than a soggy vegan sausage roll. Police arrived before the glue guns even warmed up. Charges were filed. Court dates set. And one of them – shoutout to Rory Wilson – saved everyone time by just saying, “Yeah, I did it,” and pleading guilty early.
But don’t worry – they came prepared. Hannah Schafer, age 61, brought along a written statement like it was show-and-tell at climate protest preschool. That’s dedication. Or delusion. Or both.
Now, while most people celebrate their golden years with gardening or a nice cup of tea, Hannah’s out here dodging planes and glue-sniffing on runways. Retirement goals, right?
The Met Police said the group’s actions would’ve “endangered lives” and created “significant disruption.” Which is putting it mildly. Heathrow was potentially hours away from becoming Glastonbury, just with more pilots and fewer toilets.
Of course, this isn’t Just Stop Oil’s first rodeo. These are the same folks who threw soup at Van Gogh’s sunflowers. Why? Because nothing screams “no more fossil fuels” like attacking a 140-year-old painting of flowers that never asked for this.
And now, after a delightful seven-week courtroom saga, our runway rebels will be sentenced this May. Just in time for festival season – sorry Glastonbury, no runway glue-ins this year!
In conclusion: if your plan to fight climate change involves angle grinders and a terminally delayed Ryanair flight, you may want to revisit your strategy. Maybe start with composting?
But hey, at least they’re not boring. And in the age of TikTok attention spans, maybe that’s all it takes.
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